all we need is a little patience

"We could never learn to be brave & patient, if there were only joy in the world" ~ Helen Keller

Last night boy had a really hard time getting to bed. They had the day off of school yesterday and that, coupled with way too much milk this weekend, made him very restless.

At about 10:30 I was working on some stuff for Girl Scouts and he was still up obsessing over a handful of change that he was counting. Over and over again he counted this handful of change and kept interrupting what I was working on to discuss the handful of change. At 10:30 at night I was beyond tired, needed to get some other stuff done and was on my last bit of patience. I kept telling him "count it tomorrow, go to bed". I was completely missing the clues of anxiety hidden beneath his need to count this change over and over again.

I chanted over and over again "count it tomorrow, go to bed" when finally he came up to me and said "Mom, please count this for me. I can't get it out of my head until you count it.".

Wow.

How grown up of him. Of course I stopped everything and snapped back into "clued in" Mom mode realizing how I had been brushing off his anxiety to deal with my own agenda. We counted the change, still 95 cents the same as he had counted, and visibly relieved he trotted off to bed and voila! was asleep in no time.

I'm not always "clued in". Sometimes I forget. Sometimes at 10:30 at night I just want to deal with my own problems. And sometimes it just takes an extra 30 seconds to finish up whatever is on his mind so he can move on -- I have to remember that. I have to remember that he cannot just let something go.

Yesterday during the day he was cleaning the basement with his sisters. The girls had taken out his Star Wars toys, which clearly troubled him. Before he could officially put them into the bin he first needed to line them up, count them out, make sure that everything was in order. Of course it annoyed the girls to no end, but at the same time they understood that he just needed those few extra moments to make sure everything was ok with them before finishing up the task of putting them away.

Of course everything is at the extremes and the questions that always comes into play are: how do you teach him to control that "OCD" type quality? how do you help him find that happy medium?

I think that it begins with trying to control the anxiety...I think. At least that is what we are trying to work on the most because it seems the OCD'ness of these issues are based on a hidden anxiety...

Unfortunately it is all trial and error!

thank you for your comments!

awww, thank you all for the comments! They really are helpful to read. Everyday is a journey to another day and another day and it is always changing. I know that if we weren't battling these issues it would just be some other mind warping situation that would make me feel like a failure! haha. I guess the only parents who feel like failures are the ones who are trying their hardest not to be failures.

Of course...it is so easy to beat yourself up and imagine that had you gotten in that extra 5 minutes of sensory yesterday he would not have scribbled a picture and would have stayed inside the lines for once, but that isn't realistic.

With the girls I am pretty certain they will figure out coloring in the lines and handwriting and learning to ride a bike, but with boy I know it is more difficult for him...the things of childhood don't come naturally to him.

But with all of that aside, I have to remember that there are other things that he does amazingly well that most other people are completely incapable of doing...the girls won't memorize full length movies, or remember exactly what they were wearing the first day it snowed last year, or be able to add or multiply any numbers together quickly because they've stored the answers to memory... I have to get my brain out of the mold of what a child *should* act like, be like, think like...we are all uniquely different. Gotta remember that!

aspergers is little hamburgers...

"Aspergers is little hamburgers inside of me with arms and legs...you know cause AS-PER-GERS sounds like HAM-BUR-GERS. And the little asperger hamburgers have different names...one is shy, one makes noises, one likes Star Wars..."

So the therapist told him yesterday that he has Aspergers and read him a story about "Mike" who has Aspergers and was really focused on Star Wars to the point where his friends didn't want to play with him anymore because they didn't always like Star Wars. Boy said it sounded like him...hmmm go figure! Anyway, the therapist told him that she is going to help him work on different areas of his Aspergers so he can be the best boy he can possibly be and that one of the things they will work on is friendships. He was excited about that.

Then after she explained it to him and explained some of the traits of Aspergers that matched his own traits, she asked if he understood, which he said he did. Then he gave her his own ideas of what Aspergers was...little hamburgers with arms and legs. They hang out inside of him and he will always have them. Sometimes they make him shy, sometimes they make him make noises or do other things.

It was pretty "Gray" thinking for him...he's such a black and white thinker guy. I was amazed, although Im pretty sure he completely believes what he said that there really are little limbed burgers tap dancing around inside of him, but it works for me.

So, if anyone is having difficulty explaining Aspergers to an aspie...maybe you just need to tell them about the little hamburgers...I think I shall now have to write a childrens book with cute little hamburgers with little arms and little legs....little teeshirts that say "Hey I've got my Aspie Burgers on today!"... haha

We went through the first chapter of the book, which he found very interesting. We went through the "Strengths/Talents" section where he could circle things that he felt he was good at or that he really enjoyed learning about and he gave us a little synopsis of each item and how it pertained to him...some of the cute ones were:

dates? - "Yes, I like to remember dates...do you want to know which day someone in class got their name on the board?"

facts about a certain topic? "Yes...let me go get my Star Wars droids.."

mechanical things? (we had to explain what this meant) - "OH yeah, I like batteries" and then he whispered to me "Dad always gets mad at me about batteries because I take them and put them into the toys he doesn't like"

putting things in order? "Yes but the SISTERS always move my things!!!!"

Really those darn sisters! They are really nothing but trouble.

So overall that went pretty well. I am glad he finally knows. Basically the end of our conversation was "Ok, you have this, you will always have this, but you are awesome anyway"

He really is the coolest kid. He is the coolest kid to adults, he is the coolest kid to the older kids in the neighborhood...the kids his age just haven't quite realized how cool he is yet, but they will!

long time, no post

Nothing new here, just continuing to try to change our world. I met up with a girlfriend from HS for lunch (several of us really) and the one does vision therapy for autistic children. She has a ton of tricks to teach me that help with all different aspects of the spectrum. I have to give her my list of issues so she can gather some techniques for us to try.

How exciting is that?! I will share everything I learn!

On other notes, today was both good and bad. He is very on today, but also very easily annoyed and his annoyance instantly turns into huge frustrated fit. Tonight I had to hold him tight, which I still don't understand the concept of how this works, but it really does work. In general he pulls away when you try to hug or hold him just to love him, but when he is melting down if you hold him super tight he calms. I have been doing this trick since he was little, before I even know why or what it was helping.

One step at a time.

On a perfectly wonderful note - here is the reason why I love him so much --
He is the best over complimenter and over worrier in the world. For example, there is a boy in his class who is always getting in trouble. We he decided that it is his job to teach this boy how to behave because he knows that the boy's life will be better if he would only learn how to behave. He has been putting together little motivators for this boy and his newest motivator is for me to throw a party at home for the class if the boy can go one whole day without getting in trouble.

We're still dealing with the noise. I'm trying to teach him calming techniques that he can do himself when it gets to loud to help calm himself.

Any ideas are appreciated!

interesting discoveries

So occasionally I leaf through my Sensory Processing Disorder Answer Book and randomly read answers to typical questions that are asked of the disorder. Today I opened the book to page 150 and a question immediately jumped out at me: "Why does my child have to strip off all his clothes before he can go poop?" Yes, please tell me why that is because up until this very moment I never associated the odd way that Boy has to go to the bathroom as being sensory processing related. I was so excited that I instantly called my husband and his response was "No kidding?!".

For anyone who knows him, they know that this is definitely a trait of his. While on vacation last year driving to Florida, my Father-in-law volunteered to take him to the bathroom while we were eating breakfast...he quickly came right back out laughing hysterically that Boy had to get completed naked before he could do the deed. I can't wait to share this finding with them!

So the answer, for any of you who also have a similar issue - "...there are two possibilities that he may be experiencing: under-responsiveness or over-responsiveness from tactile/proprioceptive input. If he is under-responsive to sensory input, it may take more concentration than normal for his nervous system to register internal processing such as a bowel movement. Removing his clothes allows him to register that information and go to the bathroom easier. If he is over-responsive to sensory input, it may be overwhelming for him to process the bowel movement as well as take in the sensory input from his clothes. (Some children who are over-responsive remove all of their clothes, turn off the light and demand complete silence)."

Overall, this is a private experience and as such you should always respect the child's wishes when appropriate.